“ I have so much admiration for survivors. I’m actually in awe every time I talk to you. Once you go through something like that, you can’t just move along as you would with anything else. You can’t just re-integrate yourself into society as it stands. In order to keep moving along, you have to rise so far above what society says about you that you go straight from being crushed at rock bottom to rising up and openly fighting against the ideology they have. Because you know that if you don’t immediately start standing up to people who perpetuate this stupid culture we live in, their words and actions will beat you down and set you back. So not only do you have to make peace with yourself, you have to do so while fighting all the forces around you every day that blame you and tell you you’re wrong, no matter how triggering it is. And - here’s the part that seriously amazes me about you guys - you have to do all that, while still going about your daily life… and then you never get credit for any of it.
I want to be able to sleep through the night again.
I want to be able to go out with friends and not be on guard all the time.
I want to be able to enjoy the things that brought me happiness.
I want to be able to be there for the people I love, again.
I want to be able to brush things off, again.
I want to control this and I can’t.
I don’t want to be angry anymore.
I don’t want to fight.
I don’t want to alienate my friends.
I don’t want to be alienated, distant, and in this stress haze.
I don’t want the triggers - day and night.
I don’t want this depression, anxiety, these memories, the guilt, shame, injustice, misunderstandings, eating problems, judgements… I don’t want any of it.
Enough is enough…
… I just want my life back.
So I go into Safeway in Downtown San Jose and head to the deli counter. It’s 3:30pm and I haven’t had lunch yet; all I want is a sandwich.
I get in line and there are three people in front of me - a black man, possibly mentally impaired, a 300-lbs ish white guy, and a small and sort of anxious Hispanic man. When I walk up this is what I hear:
White Guy to Hispanic Guy,” I think in this context he’s right. The customer’s always right.”
Hispanic guy nods. Black guy, meanwhile, is begging the ladies behind the counter to put together a *new* 5-10 piece fried chicken dinner for him. He wants all thighs. They keep pointing him to the pre-packaged chicken that’s been sitting in the warmer for who knows how long. He doesn’t want those. He wants the ones that are in front of him.
From my years, and years, of customer service and my experience as a supervisor in retail I know that sometimes… sometimes in order to get someone out of your hair, you need to just give them what they want. For some reason, though, the girls behind the counter kept talking back to the customer, insisting that he go take the other chicken. It was beyond clear to me in an instant that the only way he was going to leave is if he got the chicken he wanted.
Well, he finally did and then he made some dumb comments to one of the ladies behind the counter about how she could never make a sandwich for him because he would throw it in her face. She responded rudely. He called her ugly. She called him ugly. Yes, he was a jerk. No, she shouldn’t have responded as she did.
The name calling went back and forth for a bit and then Hispanic dude decides to take it on himself to puff his chest up at Black dude, to try to intimidate him or something? I don’t know it was dumb. He just looked like he wanted to fight someone. I have to back up because it looks like fists are about to come out and all I can think is 'This is so fucking dumb. Those girls should not have engaged with the (black) man's insults. These dudes need to mind their own business and stop trying to be heroes or whatever they're doing. So stupid. I want a damn sandwich'
So a crowd is gathering… security is coming… the only person who is “at fault” here is the black dude apparently. He gets so pissed off that as he’s being escorted out he throws the chicken up in the air and leaves.
White dude and Hispanic dude are giving each other high fives and I made a comment - not to anyone in particular - that no one should have engaged the other (black) man.
White dude decides to get in MY face! He must be at least two or three times my size - somewhere in the 300 lbs range, but I don’t give a shit. I refused to be intimidated. I looked at him as he’s spouting off to me “That’s the only way that guy was going to learn a lesson” meaning… knocking him out in a fucking Safeway is going to teach him to be nicer to Safeway employees about fried chicken. I respectfully disagreed and said something like, “Nope. That won’t get through to him. Violence isn’t the answer,” because it’s true. How does clocking someone over crispy thighs solve anything? It won’t. All it does is perpetuate a stupid cycle of violence. And those POOR THIGHS went to waste! Think of the CHICKENS.
I’m standing there at the counter and am totally fine, I can feel my adrenaline kicking in, but I breathe through it and remain calm. For me, right now, in this moment of my life, standing up to a big, dude trying to intimidate me is a big deal and I wasn’t fucking having it.
A nice black lady comes and stands between the dude and me (seriously…) and I’m just like “i’m fine. whatever.” He starts going on about how this black dude was going to come after me and all this stuff - TOTAL RACIST GARBAGE and NOT true, the guy is long gone - and I say, “I have no problem with black people. I love black people. They’re wonderful.” And the lovely woman who is standing between us is just like “OMG WHAT IS HAPPENING.”
I turn back to the counter and I’m like “all I want is a sandwich.” Meanwhile, dude is spouting shit to me about the WAR ON TERROR (?!?!??! WHAT?!?!??!) and I just laugh to myself and go “Oh Jesus Christ,” out loud. “Okay whatever. Violence isn’t the answer” and am just focusing on the lady making my sammie; not engaging with the man. Because… not engaging gives them NOTHING to work with - why is that so hard for people to understand? Whatever.
I got my sandwich. It’s decent. That’s all that matters, lol. Fucking Safeway… fucking downtown San Jose. Oy vey.
"Regulators might be tempted to agree with Comcast that its proposed acquisition of Time Warner Cable for $45.2 billion in stock poses no threat to competition… But the issue with cable mergers is not that they reduce or eliminate head-to-head competition for subscribers, because most cities have just one cable provider. This deal is important because it would give Comcast greater power over media companies like CBS and Disney and Internet services like Netflix and Amazon. And that would ultimately give it more control over American consumers.
If the government approves this deal, Comcast will operate in 43 of the 50 largest metropolitan markets, and will have about 30 percent of the national pay television subscribers and about one-third of all broadband Internet subscribers.
Because it would control such a large chunk of the country, Comcast would have significant leverage in contract negotiations with media companies over what TV channels cable companies are willing to carry and how much they pay for them. …
The merger could also strengthen Comcast’s position in its dealings with businesses like Netflix that send data to customers over broadband connections. Representatives for cable and phone companies have argued that content companies should pay them fees to transport movies and online video on top of the monthly charges individuals pay for Internet access. A recent federal appeals court decision made it easier for cable and phone companies to demand such payments by striking down Federal Communications Commission rules that required broadband providers to treat all Internet content alike. …
An all-powerful cable company, for example, would be able to influence and control what Americans could watch or read by refusing to carry channels or certain Internet services, or it could favor its own content. Comcast, for example, might find it tempting to treat programming from NBC Universal, which it owns, better than shows from rival networks and movie studios.”
Person A to Person B “You didn’t seem like yourself…”
Person C to Person B regarding Person A’s comment “That person died last year.”
All Person B wants is to be loved and accepted for the (transformed) being they are becoming… some things - positive or negative - alter a person permanently. Don’t mourn for the past; enjoy the present and embrace the future.
… Life since graduating college has been so monotonous for me. I miss that constant shift in focus, the inspiration found wandering into a new space with a new mentor every few months. I haven’t felt truly inspired in years… it’s draining… and when the cup’s finally refilled, it’s already time to bleed the energy back into the work day. Never-ending monotony.
Then again, I remember feeling school was monotonous, too. Never satisfied, are we?
Times are changing. I know they are, but all is hazy. Vision blurred. Moves made in haste are not advised and patience, I believe, will be rewarded in time. I must “grok in fullness” as Robert A Heinlein/Michael Valentine Smith might say, before stepping out again. And I must commit. The puzzle pieces are spread on the table, but I don’t know quite how they fit… yet. It will come. It will come.
At 19, I sat in my college dorm for hours on end, talking to people on the internet and taking quizzes.
At 29, I am sitting at the kitchen table in my apartment, texting people and talking to others on the internet… and taking quizzes.
Really? lol… If you told 19-year old me, this is what I’d be doing at 29, I don’t know if I’d believe you… Surely this crap can’t last another 10 years? Aye. I think I need to make some more changes. Or maybe I just love quizzes, no matter what form, and should just accept it? Yes. It’s true. I accept it… so sorry, not sorry, if I need to post some results here from time to time to give Twitter and FB a break. Lolz.
PS - Today, I’m Led Zeppelin, Rihanna at the VMAs, and should be living in Wisconsin apparently. I don’t know.
“‘How does one become a butterfly?’ she asked pensively. ‘You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.’”
(img source: http://hqwallbase.com/122727-butterfly/)
Stuff I Like
- “Seeing someone reading a book you love is seeing a book recommending a person.”— Unknown (via fearlessknightsandfairytales)
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i am not referring to those with self-diagnosed mental...
hey there buddy if you wanted to cry in public today, and give up or just go home and avoid all of your responsibilities
but you didn’t and you did...
- why is this happening to me? tw.
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- murmuredlullabye asked:I want to preface this by saying that you are free to ignore or answer this ask in private if you wish. By scrolling through your posts, I noticed you indicate in a couple of places that you have PTSD. I'm currently considering working on a piece about recovering from war, and I was wondering if there's anything you'd be willing to share about your experience with PTSD. Thank you for your time & consideration.
TRIGGER WARNING: Violence, psychological distress, rape
“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart,...