Forgive yourself for not being the richest, the thinnest, the tallest, the one with the best hair. Forgive yourself for not being the most successful, the cutest or the one with the fastest time. Forgive yourself for not winning every round.
Forgive yourself for being afraid.
But don’t let yourself off the hook, never forgive yourself, for not caring or not trying.
“ In the beginning if you hate something it’s good, because you don’t recognize the beauty of your own truth. You’re used to being a normal, pathetic human who does only what other people want. But what the other people REALLY want is to fuck you, make money off you and hang you in the living room with a fancy security system.
I want to buy a condo, you guys! Just dreaming of having a space of my own that I can really MAKE my own, you know? I think all the HGTV I’ve been watching is making the urge stronger (damn you, Property Brothers!). My roommate and I have nine more months at this apartment and then I think I want to move somewhere closer to the City… some place with a washer/dryer and outdoor space and a place I can (finally) have a dog and/or a cat. I miss having my babies around. Thinking Oakland so I have better access to SF and am not too far from work (yay for shuttles)… need like $500,000, though (hahahahahahahhaa…..)… we’ll see.
I have nine months to sit on it and see where life takes me. If there’s anything I’ve learned in the past couple years it’s that things change all the time and I can’t really put any expectations on anything. All’s good though. Life feels pretty fantastic right now. :)
“ Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation.
Depression is humiliating.
If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.
It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too.
Depression is humiliating.
No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.
Yeah yeah yeah!!
I haven’t been on here because I totally reset my password to be all like… secure and shit… and promptly forgot it. HA.
Lots of changes… lots of losses… lots of healing… lots of crying… lots of laughs… life shit, you know?
I have something brewing in my mind… hope to write it soon.
Tell your loved ones how much they mean to you.
Bye for now.
Peace and love - turn it inward until you’re so full, you’re bursting at the seams and can’t help but to send it out to the world.
I guess I’m always gonna have a little bit of depression & anxiety trying to fog my mind.
Key is to do more positive activities, and think more positive thoughts; make that demon lose its power. I keep telling myself that, anyway.
Hard to believe where I was just a couple months ago, and where I am now. I think i’m still struggling to believe it’s real. Real change is happening. And I feel the resistance from those dark parts of my mind. Resistant to change. Resistant to healing. Resistant to happiness.
It’s okay. I see you. I recognize you. I’m conscious of you. I know what you’re doing - or trying to do and my response to you is, no. Stop. Just don’t. There’s too much good here. The darkness is not welcome.
“ … there should be a Wonder Woman movie. I don’t care if they make 20 bucks, if there’s a movie you’re gonna lose money on, make it Wonder Woman. You know what I mean, ‘cause little girls deserve that.
“ I have so much admiration for survivors. I’m actually in awe every time I talk to you. Once you go through something like that, you can’t just move along as you would with anything else. You can’t just re-integrate yourself into society as it stands. In order to keep moving along, you have to rise so far above what society says about you that you go straight from being crushed at rock bottom to rising up and openly fighting against the ideology they have. Because you know that if you don’t immediately start standing up to people who perpetuate this stupid culture we live in, their words and actions will beat you down and set you back. So not only do you have to make peace with yourself, you have to do so while fighting all the forces around you every day that blame you and tell you you’re wrong, no matter how triggering it is. And - here’s the part that seriously amazes me about you guys - you have to do all that, while still going about your daily life… and then you never get credit for any of it.
I want to be able to sleep through the night again.
I want to be able to go out with friends and not be on guard all the time.
I want to be able to enjoy the things that brought me happiness.
I want to be able to be there for the people I love, again.
I want to be able to brush things off, again.
I want to control this and I can’t.
I don’t want to be angry anymore.
I don’t want to fight.
I don’t want to alienate my friends.
I don’t want to be alienated, distant, and in this stress haze.
I don’t want the triggers - day and night.
I don’t want this depression, anxiety, these memories, the guilt, shame, injustice, misunderstandings, eating problems, judgements… I don’t want any of it.
Enough is enough…
… I just want my life back.
Stuff I Like
- Anonymous said:Why are you so angry about JLaw's nudes being leaked? I thought you didn't like her.
- i am angry because this is just another example of women being shamed for taking nudes instead of the douchebag who spreads them being shamed for...
church culture is kind of fascinating as it’s one of those things i’ve never actually experienced/can’t imagine experiencing genuinely
- “Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to...”